"If you were cool in high school
you didn't ask too many questions.
You could tell who'd been to last night's
big metal concert by the new t-shirts in the hallway.
You didn't have to ask
and that's what cool was:
the ability to deduct
to know without asking.
And the pressure to simulate coolness
means not asking when you don't know,
which is why kids grow ever more stupid."
taken from a poem by dcb
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
beers
while ringing people up at publix, i realize how many people buy beers. its like 2 out of every 3 people that come in.
is everyone an alchoholic in gainesville?
i started to think about if i drank one beer from everyone that came through my line. then i started to think about how much piss would come out of me. then i started thinking about if i would fill up the toilet right to the brim while pissing. the very last drop would make it in there and still not overflow.
gosh thats retarded that my brain works that way but still awesome. this is the part where im supposed to write that im brainless or something along those lines but im not going to.
is everyone an alchoholic in gainesville?
i started to think about if i drank one beer from everyone that came through my line. then i started to think about how much piss would come out of me. then i started thinking about if i would fill up the toilet right to the brim while pissing. the very last drop would make it in there and still not overflow.
gosh thats retarded that my brain works that way but still awesome. this is the part where im supposed to write that im brainless or something along those lines but im not going to.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
They Sent Me Home
So it was my first day working at publix. im a cashier, so already i'm fucked for the afternoon.
if there is something all-mighty, please save me from this. maybe the store will get robbed today and ill be the one that gets pinned down on the ground with a gun to the back of my head. you'd think i would feel hopeless in that situation, but i feel worse standing in front of a register.
am i going to be able to make it through 9 hours of saying "how are you" and rolling cans and and punching in numbers for produce and beeping registers and people ill never really know? will my mouth fall off by the end of the day from all the fake sarcastic smiles i have to create?
nope, not today. a fellow publix employee/bagger(of 14 years) is going to save the day. my short and round and thugged out savior has arrived. well, as thugged out as you can possibly be when employed at publix. he wears baggy black hip-hop shorts that are sort of like capri's. i dont know but regardless theyre not part of uniform and he gets away with it and its amazing.
his name is j.w. i have to find this out on my own because he doesnt introduce himself. luckily he has a name tag on or he most likely would have never told me.
he just says "you new here right?" and i say "yeah, how are you?"
i hope you werent expecting him to answer that question. this is the answer i did recieve, "wanna hear my first week at publix?"
i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "tell me every fucking story you know you little genius" but instead i say "ok" and he begins. completely ignoring the fact that there are people in line and that he should be greeting them. just bagging and talking to me. publix frowns upon this type of behavior but this guy doesnt care. i like this guy already and he hasnt even said more than 4 sentences. i knew at that moment i was going to learn alot from this little man.
"my first day at publix i was on my 15 minute break outside with my friend and this man come up to me and he say "get inside and bag my groceries" and you know what i did? i cussed him out and you know what they did (pointing towards the office)? they sent me home."
i had to laugh. i dont care how many people were in my line, that it was my first day, that im not supposed to fraternize with other employees, etc. it would have taken all my concentration to not laugh. but since im in a place where im not supposed to laugh, its worse. you know the feeling, everyone has been there. where your insides clench up. you try to contain it but its impossible like having to laugh in quiet place or when youre dad is yelling at you, you know what im getting at.
he has to walk someone out with their groceries so he leaves my register. maybe an hour passes by and j.w. is back at my register bagging for me again and to my surprise, his story isnt over. he just begins right where he left off without any hesitation.
"on my second day of work i went to the deli to get me some friend chicken and those witches back there were making fun of me and laughing. so you know what i did? i cussed them out and you know what they did (pointing once again towards the office)? they sent me home."
are you allowed to die from laughter on your first day at a new job? arent you supposed to play it cool and be calm? my new best friend obviously wasnt aware of what "a good first impression" was and that was completely fine by me. i couldnt ask for a better first day. fucking fire me, whatever! this guy should be one of the managers and they (pointing towards the office) are too blind to see it.
i continue to laugh while he finishes bagging groceries and escorts another customer out to their car with them. i wish he hadnt left. please dont let this be the end of his first week. it cant be, can it? its only been the first 2 days so far so there has to be more.
another hour passes by and i am met with a grand return by j.w. to my register. of course without saying anything else, he picks his story right back up again.
"on my third day of work i came in the morning and manager called me into the office (with the signature point towards the office). he cussed at me about my first two days at work. so you know what i did? i sent myself home."
WOW. my stomach is hurting so bad from all the laughing laughing laughing laughing and laughing.
soon his shift ends and he leaves for the day. thats all ive heard about his first week as an employee at publix. maybe theres more to that story or maybe not. ill most likely never know.
as far as im concerned, publix should award this man with employee of the decade or maybe even best employee ever. also, gainesville should probably give him the key to the city. Maybe he could even be the mayor, but he'd probably only make it through the first 3 days before they send him home.
if there is something all-mighty, please save me from this. maybe the store will get robbed today and ill be the one that gets pinned down on the ground with a gun to the back of my head. you'd think i would feel hopeless in that situation, but i feel worse standing in front of a register.
am i going to be able to make it through 9 hours of saying "how are you" and rolling cans and and punching in numbers for produce and beeping registers and people ill never really know? will my mouth fall off by the end of the day from all the fake sarcastic smiles i have to create?
nope, not today. a fellow publix employee/bagger(of 14 years) is going to save the day. my short and round and thugged out savior has arrived. well, as thugged out as you can possibly be when employed at publix. he wears baggy black hip-hop shorts that are sort of like capri's. i dont know but regardless theyre not part of uniform and he gets away with it and its amazing.
his name is j.w. i have to find this out on my own because he doesnt introduce himself. luckily he has a name tag on or he most likely would have never told me.
he just says "you new here right?" and i say "yeah, how are you?"
i hope you werent expecting him to answer that question. this is the answer i did recieve, "wanna hear my first week at publix?"
i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "tell me every fucking story you know you little genius" but instead i say "ok" and he begins. completely ignoring the fact that there are people in line and that he should be greeting them. just bagging and talking to me. publix frowns upon this type of behavior but this guy doesnt care. i like this guy already and he hasnt even said more than 4 sentences. i knew at that moment i was going to learn alot from this little man.
"my first day at publix i was on my 15 minute break outside with my friend and this man come up to me and he say "get inside and bag my groceries" and you know what i did? i cussed him out and you know what they did (pointing towards the office)? they sent me home."
i had to laugh. i dont care how many people were in my line, that it was my first day, that im not supposed to fraternize with other employees, etc. it would have taken all my concentration to not laugh. but since im in a place where im not supposed to laugh, its worse. you know the feeling, everyone has been there. where your insides clench up. you try to contain it but its impossible like having to laugh in quiet place or when youre dad is yelling at you, you know what im getting at.
he has to walk someone out with their groceries so he leaves my register. maybe an hour passes by and j.w. is back at my register bagging for me again and to my surprise, his story isnt over. he just begins right where he left off without any hesitation.
"on my second day of work i went to the deli to get me some friend chicken and those witches back there were making fun of me and laughing. so you know what i did? i cussed them out and you know what they did (pointing once again towards the office)? they sent me home."
are you allowed to die from laughter on your first day at a new job? arent you supposed to play it cool and be calm? my new best friend obviously wasnt aware of what "a good first impression" was and that was completely fine by me. i couldnt ask for a better first day. fucking fire me, whatever! this guy should be one of the managers and they (pointing towards the office) are too blind to see it.
i continue to laugh while he finishes bagging groceries and escorts another customer out to their car with them. i wish he hadnt left. please dont let this be the end of his first week. it cant be, can it? its only been the first 2 days so far so there has to be more.
another hour passes by and i am met with a grand return by j.w. to my register. of course without saying anything else, he picks his story right back up again.
"on my third day of work i came in the morning and manager called me into the office (with the signature point towards the office). he cussed at me about my first two days at work. so you know what i did? i sent myself home."
WOW. my stomach is hurting so bad from all the laughing laughing laughing laughing and laughing.
soon his shift ends and he leaves for the day. thats all ive heard about his first week as an employee at publix. maybe theres more to that story or maybe not. ill most likely never know.
as far as im concerned, publix should award this man with employee of the decade or maybe even best employee ever. also, gainesville should probably give him the key to the city. Maybe he could even be the mayor, but he'd probably only make it through the first 3 days before they send him home.
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